You probably know the drill by now. Every late September, I commemorate another year of reviews at CrypticRock by collecting them into two Top Ten Lists- one for the Worst Films, and another for the Best Films. If you’d like to catch up, here’s the previous Worst lists.
2018- CrypticRock Anniversary Part 1: Top Ten Worst Films
2019- CrypticRock 2nd Anniversary: Top Ten Worst Films.
2020’s been a terrible year for everyone thanks to the pandemic upsetting everyone’s plans at best, and some insurmountable losses at worst. On my end, there’s been some very rough moments with many dark valleys, so to speak. But my family and I will bounce back in time with any luck. Hopefully with much more content to put up on this blog. It’s been hard to settle on a subject, despite the extra time thanks to lockdown.
That said, film-wise, it hasn’t been so bad a year. It might even be the year with the most positive reviews. However, it might have produced the first film to tie or even beat 2017’s The Documentary in awfulness. Whereas others have some controversy behind the scenes, or controversial people in them. Some of them are in the main Top Ten, others are in these dishonourable mentions.
Street Survivors: The True Story of the Lynyrd Skynyrd Plane Crash.
This film isn’t strictly bad, aside from feeling like a Lifetime movie. But it had a bunch of controversy behind it. The surviving band members of Lynyrd Skynyrd had vowed not to use the band’s name to make cash off of the tragedy. So, when former drummer Artimus Pyle joined forces with Jared Cohn to make a film based on his experiences before and after the crash, they blocked the production in 2017 with an injunction. It got overturned on appeal, given there wasn’t much of a legal reason to keep Pyle from recalling his personal memories and having them get put on film. Still, the film feels a little too sweet on Pyle’s memories. Maybe he was the big hero to the survivors, and maybe Ronnie Van Zant was his hard livin’ saint of Southern Rock. Kind of doubt it though.
You Go To My Head.
https://crypticrock.com/you-go-to-my-head-movie-review/
One can’t fault the beautiful shots, editing, and visual storytelling. Even if it feels like everything people made fun of French nouvelle vague films for since the 1960’s with its slow-paced artsiness. Nonetheless, it is technically fantastic. Yet it still leaves a bad taste in the mouth. The past few years haven’t been the best time to release a film about an older man manipulating a younger woman’s amnesia to satisfy his romantic and sexual desires. Not that there’s ever been a good time for that. It’s just more egregious in a #MeToo, #TimesUp, #SpeakingOut world.
Maybe if it played up how screwed-up that is, or had a better ending that wasn’t so soft on the leading man’s character (or at least made it more vague over whether he got his ‘wish’ or was trapped in a dream). As it is, its ‘twisted love story’ is less lovey. Especially if you see it after a film like Tape.
Plus, Delfine Bafort gets naked a lot. That’s nice for fans of female flesh, though again, is that for the story? Or is director Dimitri de Clercq oversharing his interests? It adds to the skeeziness in the end.
The Hunt for Vlad the Impaler (aka Deliler).
https://crypticrock.com/the-hunt-for-vlad-the-impaler-movie-review/
Again, this isn’t technically bad on a surface level. It’s shallow as a tinker’s bath, but is action-packed enough. But again, there’s controversy behind the scenes. Germany gave the film an 18+ rating for ‘extreme levels of Turkish nationalism’. Where the unfortunate Christians must be saved by the ‘dragon’ in their midsts by a noble band of Turkish Muslim warriors sent by the noble Ottoman emperor Mehmed II, aka ‘The Conqueror’. It’s the kind of film Erdogan might put on to butter up any Western allies, made more palatable by having Vlad the Impaler as the bad guy. He’s possibly one of the few people who make Mehmed II and Erdogan look like choirboys by comparison. Even so, there is a trace of the Riefenstahls with this one.
#ShakespearesShitstorm.
https://crypticrock.com/shakespearesshitstorm-movie-review/
It’s a Troma film. It was MADE to be in sections like this. It’s the same old bad taste comedy the studio has been pumping out since the 1980’s, with creative, old school effects and some dodgy CGI. It’s likeable for the most part, except its SJW angle feels less like it’s designed for laughs and more like old man Lloyd Kaufman yelling at clouds. Rather fitting, given it’s an adaptation of The Tempest. Still, if bad taste yuks are your thing, you might prefer Exorcism at 60,000 Feet or…
WrestleMassacre.
https://crypticrock.com/wrestlemassacre-movie-review/
It’s made by the same people as last year’s dishonourable mention Killer Campout, and much of the same criticisms from that film could apply here. It’s an intentionally crap and crass slasher flick, only with a wrestling theme instead of a slasher/Herschel Gordon Lewis tribute. Wrestling fans might like the appearances from actual pro-wrestlers, notably Tony Atlas making his co-stars corpse on-camera, or the inventive kills. Still, it’s not exactly a ‘good’ film. Plus, no matter how bloody and gory it gets, it doesn’t get as skeezy as You Go To My Head.
And now for the actual list. Usually I find myself finding new favour with films I ranked lower than others, in that they showed heart over a more technically proficient yet boring rival. This time, however, the ratings reflect their rankings- the technically terrible bash heads with the blatantly abhorrent. The ones with terrible camerawork take on the ones with terrible messages. Who comes out on top of the mountain of darkness? Let’s find out.
10) Come On Feel the Noize: The Story of How Rock Became Metal- 2.5/5 Stars.
This one’s a very distant 10, in that it does have a few worthwhile things in it, like some lively interviews with Dee Snider, and rare performance footage of Twisted Sister, Slade, Deep Purple, etc, from German TV. What gets it on this list is that it doesn’t offer much new to say. Band Vs Brand offered some insight into the music biz behind the 2001 RealPlayer download video quality. This documentary offers up some tidbits, then doesn’t really delve into them. For example, it says Debbie Harry is bisexual in a tone that’s a little too jovial. The film could’ve then led into a segment about LGBTQ people in rock, or sexuality in rock. But it doesn’t. It just sticks to the very basics, leaving it quite dull in the long run.
9) Ghost Killers Vs Bloody Mary (aka Os Exterminadores do Alem Contra a Loira do Banheiro)- 2.5/5 Stars.
https://crypticrock.com/ghost-killers-vs-bloody-mary-movie-review/
There’s a handful of funny gags in this one, which keeps it at the low end of the scale. Yet it also has a higher budget overall than some of the dishonourable mentions. What makes it worse than #ShakespearesShitstorm or WrestleMassacre? Simple- a handful just isn’t enough. More gags miss than they hit, foiled by poor acting and rough, cliché-riddled writing. It tried to be the Brazilian Shaun of the Dead, and ended up being its Lesbian Vampire Killers. Danilo Gentili & co certainly try to outdo James Corden in annoyingness. Still, some jokes do hit, and the direction is fair, so it has enough going for it to keep it low down. But even if you like crass, edgy jokes, there are much better options elsewhere.
8) Cannibal Corpse Killers- 2.5/5 Stars.
https://crypticrock.com/cannibal-corpse-killers-movie-review/
This film got repeatedly shaved down in development, with only a few people seeing its original near-3 hour version. Maybe it cut out too much as what’s left is undercooked. The duff acting and writing wasn’t going to make it a masterpiece, yet it could’ve been a cult favourite. It had a cheesy enough premise with drama that could’ve worked. Demon zombies? Yes please! But then the film gets progressively more aimless. It could’ve used that time to build up the villains and make them into actual characters. Instead, they remain aimless and weak as the film fits in another action sequence, which get progressively rougher in editing and direction. It snatches boredom from the jaws of entertainment.
7) The Jesus Rolls- 2.5/5 Stars.
https://crypticrock.com/the-jesus-rolls-movie-review/
Cannibal Corpse Killers was never going to be a high-end classic, even in a perfect world where its writing kinks got sorted out. But a sequel to The Big Lebowski featuring one of its more iconic characters seemed much more promising on paper. Making it a remake of a 1970’s Gerard Depardieu film certainly could’ve given it artistic cred. But then it took 2 years to get shooting, 3 years to make it on the festival circuit, and then another year to reach cinemas and DVD shelves. Perhaps writer, director and lead actor John Turturro was disappointed in his work too, as it shows he’s no Coen brother.
Only a handful of references to The Big Lebowski remain, including a less-than-energetic recall of Jesus Quintana’s infamous threat to the Dude and Walter, and a pointless bowling scene. Audrey Tatou and Jon Hamm try, while Susan Sarandon and Christopher Walken do what they can for their cameos. But for a sex comedy, there are barely any laughs. It’s a dry, joyless film where the actors struggle to keep the energy going. Turns out you need more than edge and nudity to keep the chuckles up.
6) Infamous- 2.5/5 Stars.
https://crypticrock.com/infamous-movie-review/
Yeesh, speaking of edge. This Bonnie & Clyde homage with Bella Thorne, the sex workers’ least favourite actress, is a headache and a half. For some positives, it really looked into Bonnie & Clyde- they actually robbed more gas stations and stores than banks, so our leads here do just that. It really dedicated itself to its message about the effects of social media fame, akin to the newspaper coverage Bonnie & Clyde got. Still, the execution could’ve been better, as its few quiet moments showed much more of the film’s promise than its giant text overlays (“WORLDSTAR WORTHY!”).
Plus, while the actors try, their performances can be very obnoxious- especially in the early goings with the vapid millennial stereotypes. Not sure if the premise holds up, given the people who brag about their crimes on social media don’t usually last long enough to build up the kind of following the leads get by the end. Maybe I’m wrong about that and there are ways around it IRL. Yet it still feels disproportionate, like it could have done with more build-up than “147 NEW FOLLOWERS!” OMG!
5) Game of Death- 2.5/5 Stars.
Game of Death is a disappointing pastiche of past Bruce Lee films and unconvincing stand-ins made solely to get the few fight scenes Lee made for his original film before having to go and work on 1973’s Enter The Dragon and…wait, this isn’t right.
https://crypticrock.com/game-of-death-movie-review/
That’s better. This French-Canadian horror Jumanji-esque flick about teens stuck in a game of kill-or-be-killed is an annoying watch. Sometimes it makes some good steps with some nice bits of direction, but more often than not it trips up over its own feet. For every good gore effect, camera angle, or touching moment, there’s something that looks obviously fake, some dodgy direction (hello random screen from Carmageddon!), and terrible acting from another bunch of millennial stereotypes. Whatever illusion it’s trying to conjure, it keeps getting dispelled by rubbish. Despite my harsh words towards the original Game of Death above, it’s still the better option between the two.
4) Agent Jade Black- 2/5 Stars.
https://crypticrock.com/agent-jade-black-movie-review/
This was the first film I reviewed in 2020, yet it feels like I wrote it ages ago. I even dated it by mentioning Black Widow’s original release date in the review. Still, the memories of how rough this film about a female secret agent was came rushing back. Connie Franklin’s hammy performance as the villain chews ineptly on the scenery, while Katie Burgess’ Jade Black leaves so little an impression she could be made of cardboard. That’s provided you can hear her through the film’s rough audio quality- especially in the outdoor scenes. Black Widow would have to try to be a worse film than this one, and even then it’d still be a more worthwhile watch just for breaking the MCU formula.
3) Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind- 2/5 Stars.
https://crypticrock.com/close-encounters-of-the-fifth-kind-documentary-review/
When I was a kid, I was interested in the paranormal and supernatural. Not out of sincere belief, but out of curiosity to see if there was anything in it. I soon learnt there was little behind it beyond puffery and bad reasoning. If anything, the mundane truths behind UFO sightings, Area 51, conspiracies, etc, end up being more interesting than the stories they’re trying to tell.
Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind initially starts off as another crackpot UFO conspiracy documentary- how everyone knows they’re real, and the government is covering it up, and so on. But then it goes into a weird direction, accusing the government and media of smearing the reputation of extra-terrestrials with stories of alien abductions and invasions, be they movies, TV series, or other UFOlogists’ accounts. Afterwards, it takes a spiritual bent, like main host Dr Steven Greer is trying to form his own sci-fi based religion, talking about how humans can contact aliens and every other lifeform in the universe through meditation, how people could even control UFOs with them.
There are no citations or sources backing up these claims beyond the words of other enthusiasts, no solid science, just pictures and videos that people have to take on faith. The best one can say for it is that it might provide insight into the minds of true believers. Or grifters, though if Greer does a good job of sounding like a believer if that’s the case. Either way, it’s a success as a bonkers trainwreck, but horrendous as an informative documentary.
2) Random Acts of Violence- 2/5 Stars.
https://crypticrock.com/random-acts-of-violence-movie-review/
At least Game of Death‘s videogame references were intentional. The CGI model scenes here are less like 3D comic panels and more like deleted cutscenes from Killer 7– a Gamecube game from 2004. Though if it could be compared to any videogame, it would be the Devil May Cry reboot- trying to outdo its forebears, even insulting them in some cases, while ultimately offering a shallower experience.
Despite Jay Baruchel’s ambitions (and perhaps the original comic writers too) to say more about the responsibility of media creators on what inspires them and who they inspire, it doesn’t say much. Except they’re culpable, and then hammers that theme home until the end. Jesse Williams’ comic creator took inspiration from real life killings, and ended up hunted by a killer himself! His work inspired him to kill his family and friends! He’s killing people in the same way as in his comic! He’s just as bad as the killer! He’s a baddie! He’s a baddie!
On a technical level and in acting, it’s head & shoulders above most of the entries in the Top Ten. But its pretensions about being a ‘serious’ horror film, with its theme, Gregorian chant soundtrack, and single-minded story make it a more irritating watch. Might be why it spent a year in limbo before falling onto Shudder. It had potential, but it blew it.
1) Elvis from Outer Space (aka Memphis Rising: Elvis Lives)- 1.5/5 Stars.
https://crypticrock.com/elvis-from-outer-space-movie-review/
The original review I wrote was a little mean-spirited, hence why it got some edits. The director of the original film, 2011’s Memphis Rising: Elvis Lives, passed away in the years since, as did some of the actors (notably Sonny West, actual friend & bodyguard of the real Elvis). I’m sure they were nice people whose losses came too soon. I don’t intend my reviews to be personal attacks, just overviews of what’s shown on screen. Even so, if I go overboard, I apologise.
Still, I have to be honest. The film has an array of bad CGI, bad acting, worse writing, shoddy direction, and a lot of dull narration. The Documentary and The Dark Military managed to stick to the old adage of ‘show, don’t tell’, while this film has multiple sequences pieced together by narration instead of character interaction. Not that the cast make you want to see more of them, but that would be more effort than showing more interminable driving footage from in & around Las Vegas. You’d think it’d be one of those ‘so bad it’s good’ films, especially with its Poser 3D aliens. But it’s a perfect storm where it’s too shoddy to be genuinely entertaining, and too boring to be ironically entertaining.
So, does that make it the worst film I’ve ever reviewed? That’s a tricky one. It’s worse than The Dark Military for sure, and The Documentary had a better story and acting. But both were more mean-spirited and up their rears, the former playing out like an extended promo for a wrestling stable, and the latter trying too hard to out-Seven the killer from Seven. In that respect, Elvis from Outer Space at least has a little more joy and heart in it. On purely technical skill, it is the very bottom of the barrel thus far. But if I was stuck in a room and had to watch one of these 3 films again, I think I’d go with the King.
So those are the ten worst films of 2019/2020. Do you agree with this list? Do you disagree? Were there any other stinkers I missed, or did you think Close Encounters of the Fifth Kind had something going for it? Leave a comment and let me know!
Thinkin' Thinkin' 