CrypticRock 2nd Anniversary: Top Ten Worst Films.

It’s that time of year again! As of 26th September, I have been on CrypticRock for 2 whole years now. The second year was much more tumultuous than the first, though that was less to do with the website than real life events. There were ups, like my 2 month stay in Uganda to turn my fiancée into my wife, followed by the honeymoon and plenty of father-son time. Then there were downs, like a death in the family, financial issues and the like.

Things are better now, or getting better at least. The really-late 3rd part to the History of Busoga will be coming soon. The draft is in the works. Until then though, I thought I’d go into something quick, easy and fun- honouring the honourable and shaming the shameful. I usually prefer to get the rubbish out of the way first before giving the tip-top their dues, which is why we’re starting off with the worst than the best. This will cover all films I’ve reviewed from the end of last September to now, no anniversary articles, Anatomy of a Remakes or other alternate articles.

Based on ratings alone, the past year had less stinkers in it, but it had more ‘eh’ entries. Most of the bad films I picked out either had some entertainment value despite being technically sub-par, or had all the right elements but failed to make something great out of it. So there wasn’t anything as embarrassing as Bible Black or The Revenge of Robert the Doll. But there was some outright garbage. But first, some dishonourable mentions.

Brown Girl Begins.

https://crypticrock.com/brown-girl-begins-movie-review/

I wish I didn’t have to put this film here. Sharon Lewis’ prequel to the 1998 Nalo Hopkinson book Brown Girl in the Ring has its heart in the right place. It was the result of a near decade-long attempt to adapt the book to the screen before switching tactics to an original work inspired by the tale of Ti-Jeanne. The story sounds good on paper, and Nigel Shawn Williams puts in a good performance as two different characters. Yet I couldn’t deny the dodgy direction, CGI or awkward acting elsewhere. I’d like to see a second crack at bringing the book, or another tale from this universe to the screen. But this film remains a cautious recommendation at most.

Reach.

https://crypticrock.com/reach-movie-review/

This film also had its heart in the right place, being made for National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month last October. Only I don’t have to put the kid gloves on. Yet I’d almost recommend it above some of the others, though only for ironic enjoyment. The film is rich in cheese and melodrama, especially with the character of Clarence doing a one-off out-of-nowhere character shift from happy-go-lucky, quirky class clown to depressed, edgy, black-wearing, troubled teen. If it didn’t have drug references, it would be a Lifetime movie. Then again, I’d be surprised if it hasn’t turned up on Lifetime once or twice in the past 11 months now.

Killer Campout.

https://crypticrock.com/killer-campout-movie-review/

It would just be too easy to put it on the list. This film aims to be intentionally kitsch and partially rubbish- an approach that’s been trodden into the ground so much it’ll be turned into marble before the Time Team crew can unearth it. Yet it does kind of succeed in its aim. It’s good enough technically to sit on that ‘crap but entertaining’ line without falling into plain crap, or trying too hard.  Still, it’s too cheesy to be good, and too good to be completely objectionable.

Furry Nights.

https://crypticrock.com/furry-nights-movie-review/

I could copy & paste what I said for Killer Campout and put it here too. Only instead of mocking 80’s slashers and fitting in classic gore director Herschel Gordon Lewis into a voiceover, it has furries. It’s more or less Last House on the Left or Cannibal Holocaust, but with their most infamous scenes and locations replaced with people in animal suits being weird. It doesn’t deliberately aim for kitschness, though when one of the teen film crew disguises himself as a furry, and gradually speaks in a squeakier voice to fit in…yeah, it’s a goofy film.

Now to get into the list properly. Some of the prior films may sound worse than the main entries, but sometimes the worst crime a film can commit is to be boring. Killer Campout, Furry Nights, etc, avoided that pitfall at least. The others…not so much.

10) Luciferina- 3/5 stars.

https://crypticrock.com/luciferina-movie-review/

Technically, it can’t be faulted too much. It’s grisly, spooky in places, and has some interesting themes. They’re just not interesting enough to stick in the mind for long enough. The dishonourable mentions have something quirky that makes them stick out, but Luciferina feels much plainer by comparison. It’s Basic Occult Horror 101, only too basic to stand out from the crowd, and too dull to keep audiences hooked.

9) Nekrotronic- 3/5 stars.

https://crypticrock.com/nekrotronic-movie-review/

Again, this film is technically solid. It even manages to have some strong CGI, special effects and a notable cast. However, its story and writing tries too hard. The filmmakers were trying to do a Quentin Tarantino meets Edgar Wright via The Wachowskis thing here, with a cyberpunk Ghostbusters story with nudge-wink ‘witty’ dialogue…and demons instead of ghosts. It’s a little too sneery and sloppy there to really recommend. The aesthetics may be striking, though you can see similar visuals in Wright’s Scott Pilgrim vs the World, and any Wright film is a better watch than this anyway.

8) Band vs Brand- 3/5 stars.

https://crypticrock.com/band-vs-brand-documentary-review/

The relationship between art and business can be interesting enough to form a few documentaries from. Even this documentary poses some interesting questions and gets some interesting answers and observations. It is pretty dry though. But what gets it on the list above the prior 2 films is its technical quality. The attendees at the Hall of Heavy Metal History Gala back in January saw a film that looks like it was made around the turn of the millennium. People wanting an entry point into the Music vs Business debate may get the basics from this film, so long as they can stomach the Angelfire-quality visuals.

7) Body at Brighton Rock- 2.5/5 stars.

https://crypticrock.com/body-at-brighton-rock-movie-review/

I almost feel as bad as Brown Girl Begins for putting this film on the worst list, or even putting it below Band vs Brand. Its visuals blow those films away, and its premise of a woman trainee ranger getting stuck in the wilderness all night isn’t a bad one. It starts off well enough, and presents an intriguing mystery once she finds the titular body. The ending has a Twilight Zone-like twist too. What docked that extra half-point was the pacing and horror, or lack thereof. The film feels padded out, trying to make scenes where nothing happens scary. If it was trying to show its lead character’s descent into paranoia, it noticeably fell short of the mark. The Black String, while being similarly laggy, does a much better job of showing horror and a descent into paranoid terror.

6) The Glorious Seven- 2.5/5 stars.

https://crypticrock.com/the-glorious-seven-movie-review/

There are lots of versions and different takes on Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai. You could watch the original Magnificent Seven movie, its later remake with Denzel Washington, its Corman-directed sci-fi equivalent Battle Beyond the Stars or the Samurai 7 anime. This badly-directed, roughly-edited, dodgily-acted version with mercenaries in Central America shouldn’t be on anyone’s to-watch list. The action is reasonable at least, though it falls short in nearly every category compared to the options available.

5) Malicious- 2.5/5 stars.

https://crypticrock.com/malicious-movie-review/

Delroy Lindo can only do so much to save a film. But not even he can save this maternity-based tale of demonic possession. Its best elements can be seen done better elsewhere, with its horror being quite derivative. The pacing is good, but it doesn’t live up to the promise of its plot. The ending twist is kind of malicious in its intent. Otherwise it’s just a weaker, baby-themed take on The Amityville Horror. Watch Prevenge instead for a better motherly horror flick.

4) Johnny Gruesome- 2.5/5 stars.

https://crypticrock.com/johnny-gruesome-movie-review/

It’s a zombie-revenge tale that cannot find a good balance. The dramatic tension lurches between one extreme and another without an even build-up between either. The title character is treated too lightly to be terrifying, the nice makeup job undercut by bad special effects. Throw in some bad acting and overdone music, and you get a pale attempt to produce a new Freddy Krueger.

3) Deviant Behavior- 2/5 stars.

https://crypticrock.com/deviant-behavior-movie-review/

This film blends film noir and slasher horror like oil and water. The characters are half-hearted takes on familiar archetypes- the drunk, down-on-his-luck Private Eye, the hooker with a heart of gold, the transgender killer. Whether the latter counts as offensive may be better judged by trans viewers. Though in my humble opinion, it’s done too weakly to stand out next to more notorious figures seen in Sleepaway Camp or Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. It’s just an empty shrug of an attempt to put the ‘Deviant’ in Deviant Behavior.

2) The Mummy Rebirth- 2/5 stars.

https://crypticrock.com/the-mummy-rebirth-movie-review/

This came out around the same time as the similarly titled The Mummy Reborn, and both weakly copy the 1999 Brendan Fraser-vehicle. Only this may be the worst of the two, with duff acting, a limp story, and effects that make Band vs Brand look advanced by comparison. It even fails to make its outdoor locations look anything like Egypt until the end, looking more like the California brush where Captain Kirk fought the Gorn. It’s Mystery Science Theater 3000 fodder, though even they may have trouble trying to get a rise out of it.

That film should be the actual #1 worst for 2018/2019. However, it got beat out on a technicality by a film that makes The Mummy Rebirth…well, actually, that film is just as rubbish, but for different reasons.

1) The Dark Military- 2/5 stars (originally 1.5/5 stars).

https://crypticrock.com/dark-military-movie-review/

This film was originally set for release in 2018. I had written the review that year, and it sat ready and waiting for publication. However, the film’s release got pushed back to April 2019, so it waited all that time until its official release.

It isn’t as technically shoddy as The Mummy Rebirth, though that doesn’t mean it’s a good time. The direction is still crap, with awkward angles edited together about as well as the stitches on Frankenstein’s Monster.

The acting is a mixed bag of Parma Violets, black liquorice and fun size Bounty Bars- the worst kind of Trick-or-Treat haul. Plus the story is a dumb, nihilistic take on Battle Royale, only with mercenaries that act more like a pro-wrestling stable. By those standards, they’re less the nWo and more like TNA’s Decay.

Still, the leader of the titular military, and director of the film, calls someone a ‘vagina head’ when they complain about his ‘game’. So that’s…something. The .5 point increase was out of my hands, though it is fair as- while ultimately worse than The Mummy Rebirth- it isn’t as bad as The Documentary– last year’s last place winner, which fully deserved its 1.5 rating. Going beyond halves for fractions are a step too far, but if CrypticRock did them, then The Dark Military would more aptly be a 1.75 rating.